Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A's thought for the day

So apparently some people in this world say they are going to do something and damn if they don't actually do it, right when they said they would. That is mind boggling to me, especially since my path to accomplishment is much longer.

I came upon this discovery yesterday while visiting a friend. I was in his bedroom (he is gay and so it was perfectly acceptable) and I noticed all the decor around his room. He enjoys music so there were musical notes on the walls. There were pictures, recent pictures, in frames. There were colorful items hanging beautifully in all the right spots. It was amazing. He hasn't lived there for very long, almost a year. How is that all possible? Is it just because he is gay? Possibly, but I don't think so.

Here is my path to accomplishment. Think of wonderful idea to accomplish. Think about idea some more. Tell someone that I am thinking of an idea. Listen to their suggestions. Re-think about idea based on what that person said. Tell another person the new version of idea. Listen to their suggestions. Think again about idea. Decide it is time to plan how to actually accomplish idea. Tell people I am planning on completeing idea. Think about idea plan some more. Finally start to complete the idea, stop when half way finished. Show people the partially completed idea. Discuss how wonderful it will be when finished. Then maybe I will finish it. Maybe.

The fact that some people skip that whole process and just complete the idea from the start. Amazing. I am going to think about that some more.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

That's why.. Part Two.

Calm restored we continue to paddle towards the tiny green signs. We paddle at a leisurely pace, looking out towards Ocracoke Island, racing each other, bumping kayaks, having a great time. We start to get close to some fisherman that are standing in the water. They are pretty far out and the water is about to their thighs. We paddle close to them and say hello. It's about that time we come upon the sand bars. The water is so shallow we are unable to paddle the boats and have to climb out and walk across the sand bars pulling our kayaks behind.

"You want me to get out of the kayak?" I ask D.

"Yes love, we won't be able to make it over the sand bar unless we get out." D replies.

"Uh. I didn't plan on getting out."

"Well you kind of have to. Look it's no problem honey, the water is at our calves."

"Calves?"

"Yes, calves. Come one get out, I'll hold your boat."

D holds the boat and I climb out. Luckily I still have on my flip flops so I don't feel the slimy seaweed that is everywhere (this would have been a very different story without those flip flops, slimy yuck on my feet? No thank you.) waving back and forth as the tide comes in and out. I take a few steps and get more comfortable with the fact that I am hundreds of yards away from the shore and the water is up to only my calves.

"Oh this isn't so bad." I say

"Were you scared?"

"Yes, walking when I can't see my feet freaks me out."

"Alright, well there is nothing in this water but minnows. See them?"

Suddenly music from jaws is playing in my head.

"Minnows?" I ask.

"Minnows." D replies.

"Oh I see them!"

Music stops.

"Minnows are cute."

"Honey, you are a goofball." D laughs

"Well they are."

We continue on like this for a while, the sand bar is large and as we pull the kayaks across it I feel the sun beating on my shoulders. Once we reach the end of the sand bar D holds my kayak again as I jump in. He pushes me off into deeper water. I use the push to take off and get a lead on D knowing he will catch up in seconds.

"Now we need to aim our bows more toward the shore because we are getting close to where the ferries turn." D says.

Newsflash freak out. I start paddling like crazy again, my sights set for the shore. The beer has relaxed me enough that I turn and see D point for the shore. I keep paddling paddling my arms starting to ache but I am too determined to slow down.

"Honey that's good. You can rest," D shouts.

I turn my boat towards his and paddle up next to him.

"I'm getting better at this!"

"Good love. Want to take a break?"

I hesitate because I know that means I have to get out of the kayak again.

"Chips, beer, sunblock?" D tempts me.

"Yes. Yes. Yes." I reply

We paddle the short distance to shore. Eat chips, drink our last beer, apply sunblock. We are laughing having a good time. We then consider how much farther we have to go versus how long it took us to get this far. Decide the wind is too strong for us to make it around the point, much less all the way to the beach where everyone is relaxing. We naively think the wind at our backs will make our return trip easier.

Refreshed and ready to go I jump in the kayak. No fear at this point. I start paddling back across when I notice that my kayak keeps turning towards the shore, when I want it to turn away from the shore. D hasn't mentioned it so I assume it's just me as I often have trouble keeping my kayak straight. I have to stick my oar in on the left side of the kayak and hold it there to make my boat turn left then paddle paddle stick paddle paddle stick. It's only been a few hundred yards and already I am exhausted.

"Are you having a hard time keeping your boat straight?" D yells to ask.

"Yes. Why? Are you?" I reply

"Yes. It must be the current."

"What should I do?"

"Just keep doing what your doing."

Paddle paddle stick. Paddle paddle stick. For a long time. The ferry terminal seems like a speck that is not getting any closer.

"It's the wind. It's pushing our boats around." D tells me.

"What should I do?"

"Just keep doing what you're doing. That's the only way to keep the boat straight."

"Stupid wind! I thought you were my friend!" I raise my fist in the air.

Paddle paddle stick. Paddle paddle stick for what seems like an eternity. Finally we reach the sand bar. This time the water is even more shallow. We cross a couple of small sand bars by simply pushing off the ground with our hands til we reach deep water again. This only works for a short time when we are back to pulling the boats behind us. We walk for a while. Now the wind is catching the boat and knocking it into our legs every so often. My flip flops are rubbing my big toes raw. The tiny speck of the ferry terminal is not getting any closer.

The fishermen that we passed earlier out still out and we finally get to them.

"Doesn't that defeat the purpose of having a boat?" The older fat one asks me.

"Hmm." I chuckle.

Doesn't that defeat the purpose of .... your face. Damn it. Why can't I ever come up with a good come back?

D is too far away to hear the smart ass fisherman so I just keep walking and walking and walking. Finally we get to deeper water I have never been so happy to jump in the kayak.

This is where D goes from average guy to the wonderful great guy that I love.

We are paddling along. Our spirits lifting because we have turned directions and the wind is helping us now. But we are still exhausted and ready to get back to the boat ramp. We manage to cross the ferry channel no problem no ferries in sight. There are however quite a few boats driving past heading towards the boat ramp.

"Keep your bow pointed toward the wave, other wise it could flip you over." D says.

"Okay love." I reply

I manage to turn my boat towards the waves and the bow pops over them. It's fun actually the kayak rocking back and forth. But in order for me to keep my bow towards the waves I have to stay still. This does not make for good progress when a boat is passing every few seconds.

"Honey, you can't stop for every boat." D says.

"Well that's what I like to do."

D keeps paddling like a pro. Riding the waves on his way in towards the boat ramp.

I panic as he gets farther ahead.

"Honey come on just paddle it will be fine, the wake is not that big." D says.

"Okay."

I start to paddle, when I see 3 boats heading our way. I start to freak out thinking of D's words. "..or else you'll flip over."

I see myself flipping out of the kayak. The wake starts crashing against my boat, it's rocking me side to side. D is pretty far ahead now, thinking that I am keeping up with him.

"Honey! Honey! HONEY?!!!" I start to scream hysterically.

D hears me and turns around.

"Honey, just paddle!" D yells back to me.

"But I'LL FLIP OVER!! I scream in that 'come help me tone'.

"Honey the water is only two feet deep. You can just stand up!"

Now at this point if I were not me I would want to smack me.

"BUT HONEYYY!!" I say still worked up.

"Honey, you can see the bottom. If you flip over, just stand up." D says

His reassurance calms me and I paddle the rest of the way in to the boat ramp. At the end I actually start to have fun and kind of like the wake. I realize what a nutcase I am and can't believe D didn't lose his patience with me.

We make it to the boat ramp. Load the boats on his truck. We start to talk at the same time.

"I'm sorry I freaked out." I say

"Want some ice cream?" D says.

This just in

Ever have those moments of clarity where some little (or possibly big depending.. it could reach down to your very core and change your entire world or it may just fleet across the big screen of your brain) strange part of yourself sudenly makes sense? It may even be more then makes sense, it may be a part that shows itself, something you didn't know existed let alone that it was affecting every part of you and how you react in say.. relationships. ("Hi. I'm a strange part of you. I've always been here. You just didn't know it. Now that you know about me your life will be easier".) (the word 'revelation' as defined by A.)

One of those moments just flashed across my screen. Only it was more like a movie trailer that leads into a movie of me that I forgot existed and now I see that movie from a different light. Roll Camera 2. Take- who the hell knows.


I was in the kitchen pulling apart some chicken legs to make chicken salad for dinner. I was making a plan in my head; I'll finish the chicken legs so they can cool. Go take a nice long shower- it's hard to concentrate on writing all sweaty. Then write until maybe 4 and start making dinner. Then D will be home, we'll eat dinner and have a glass of wine. Leave out some cheese and wine for Janelle to munch before I give her a massage. Then we will get ready to go dancing. Oh dancing, hope a lot of people show up. Can't wait. This has been a nice day. Took Chance for a walk. Got some stuff done around the house. This being home alone on a weekday isn't so bad. I have not felt guilty once today for having a nice day by myself.

This is where the movie screen flashed.

Holy Shit! I like to be alone sometimes. I like to be alone, but only when I know that the alone time is coming to an end. I'm having fun because I know that D will be home around 5 and I have all day to myself. It's not alone I don't like. It's the not knowing when alone will end. No wonder I can get clinging sometimes. Jesus christ.

I see the Camera 2 flash back.

"When are you coming over?" I say to D.

"I don't know let me see how I feel," D replies.

"Ok, just shoot me a text." I say, trying so hard to play it cool but inside. (See how you feel? What does that mean? Could be an hour? Could be two days? Whatever. I just need to know.)


In the movie I see myself try to occupy myself for a few minutes. Then I become uneasy with the unknown alone. I pace around the house not able to concentrate on any task. What if I start something and then he wants to come over? Or what if someone else calls? I know I'll call Cheryl and then see what she is doing.

I call Cheryl and feel better. We are going to meet for a drink at Schucks at 9.

Okay I have time to read my book, drink a glass of wine-that will save me buying one drink at the bar. Then take a bath, listen to music, straighten my hair. Oh what am I going to wear?


See when I experienced that on Camera 1, I felt so guilty for wanting to know when I would see D. I thought I was some crazy clingy girl. But really I just wanted to know when I would see someone I care about. (not that I didn't want to see you honey. i'm making a point here)

I don't like open ended alone time. One hour-great. One week-awesome. Just give me some time frame so I can plan out my self entertainment, or the need for it.

This brings up other questions for me. Does the fact that I don't like open ended alone time make me weak? Are the people out there that love solitude stronger? Is the fact that I love to be around people more than I like to be alone sad? Was I born with this need to be around people? Or was I taught this other people dependence? Is this some passive aggressive way of loathing myself? Or is this normal?

I don't think I loathe myself. I like my alone time. I like to complete projects by myself. I talk to myself often and I think I'm pretty cool. Kind of dorky. But kind of funny too. I make myself laugh. What more can one ask for really? Maybe the fact that I know what makes me happy makes me stronger? I get joy from being around other people. Therefore I seek them out and make plans.

So at any rate, there is my revelation movie moment. I know what I like. Now I just need to ask for it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

That's why..

D and I just came back from our family vacation in Hatteras. Well when I say, our family, I mean his family, but I absolutely love his family. The crew included D's Dad and wonderful girlfriend Lynn, her daughter, D's older brother and sister, all the spouses, a gaggle of cute kids and two puppies. The house was bustling and we all kept joking that this is what it would be like to live in a commune. We absolutely had a blast and can't wait to do it again.

During one of many lazy days on the beach D's sister and I went for a stroll. As big sisters often do she inquired about her baby brother's relationship, it went something like this.

"So how are you and my brother doing?"

"Great!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, you're brother is a great guy."

"Tell me more."

I think I throw out some adjectives like "Caring, loving, funny." Which of course are all true, but I think this little tale paints a better picture.

It's the next to last day on vacation and D and I have yet to take the kayaks out for a ride. We decide the surf on the ocean side is way too rough to make it out without taking on water and flipping. We instead drive around the island to the sound side. We find a boat ramp and unload the kayaks. We apply gobs of sunblock on each other, fasten our life jackets and off we go.

"Let's go around the point and kayak down to where everyone is relaxing on the beach," I say.

"Alright let's give it a go." D replies.

First of all let me give you all a little back ground on me and my ability to swim. Lets just say it's slightly above nil, but lower than adequate. If forced I could doggie paddle for quite a while, but not without panic setting in, making my palms sweat (if that's possible in the water) and my heart feeling like it's going to explode. But like my other fears (heights, rats biting my toes, and spiders) I am making an effort to over come them (well at least the heights part, rats and spiders please keep your distance and I'll try not to shriek and swing brooms at you.)

OK so where was I? Oh Yes.

Me = sucks at swimming (and as you'll see, judging the depth of water).

D= former lifeguard/possibly part fish.

So here we are paddling out across the sound towards the point. All is well, we are paddling against the wind but we are going at a steady rate and having a good time. We get to the channel where the ferries are crossing.

"Honey, just hold back a minute and let those ferries pass and then we'll go across." D says.

"Okay, hand me a beer." (I know, brilliant right? But it's vacation.)

Beer cracked, and half gulped.

"Alright love, see that channel marker over there?"

"The really tiny green sign?"

"Yes. Aim your bow at that marker."

"Okay. Like shooting a gun right?"

"Yes, now let's hurry before another ferry comes."

This is the point where my imagination fires into overdrive. I see headlines in papers.

Girl kayaking while on vacation crushed by Ferry. Witnesses say,"The Captain kept blowing the horn she just wouldn't move!"

My brain now in freak out mode, I lean forward (I'm convinced this gives me more power) and paddle like the Dickens. I imagine smoke coming off the water. I try to glance back at D (but honestly I don't like to turn around for fear of flipping the kayak) don't see him, decided to keep paddling as if my life depends on it. Finally after what seems like years I hear.

"Honey, you can slow down now."

"Are you sure?" paddle paddle paddle for extra measure.

"Honey, I'm sure."

"Whoa!! Did you see me? I was like a speed demon!"

"You were great love." chuckle chuckle.

"I know. That was awesome."

Now at this point we have not even paddled a mile, but my arms are a little fatigued. I look over at D and he is paddling effortlessly. The stubborn part of me says, I got this. I work out all the time! Oh and I have beer. Sip Sip.

(due to poor time management you will have to come back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion)