This just in

Ever have those moments of clarity where some little (or possibly big depending.. it could reach down to your very core and change your entire world or it may just fleet across the big screen of your brain) strange part of yourself sudenly makes sense? It may even be more then makes sense, it may be a part that shows itself, something you didn't know existed let alone that it was affecting every part of you and how you react in say.. relationships. ("Hi. I'm a strange part of you. I've always been here. You just didn't know it. Now that you know about me your life will be easier".) (the word 'revelation' as defined by A.)

One of those moments just flashed across my screen. Only it was more like a movie trailer that leads into a movie of me that I forgot existed and now I see that movie from a different light. Roll Camera 2. Take- who the hell knows.


I was in the kitchen pulling apart some chicken legs to make chicken salad for dinner. I was making a plan in my head; I'll finish the chicken legs so they can cool. Go take a nice long shower- it's hard to concentrate on writing all sweaty. Then write until maybe 4 and start making dinner. Then D will be home, we'll eat dinner and have a glass of wine. Leave out some cheese and wine for Janelle to munch before I give her a massage. Then we will get ready to go dancing. Oh dancing, hope a lot of people show up. Can't wait. This has been a nice day. Took Chance for a walk. Got some stuff done around the house. This being home alone on a weekday isn't so bad. I have not felt guilty once today for having a nice day by myself.

This is where the movie screen flashed.

Holy Shit! I like to be alone sometimes. I like to be alone, but only when I know that the alone time is coming to an end. I'm having fun because I know that D will be home around 5 and I have all day to myself. It's not alone I don't like. It's the not knowing when alone will end. No wonder I can get clinging sometimes. Jesus christ.

I see the Camera 2 flash back.

"When are you coming over?" I say to D.

"I don't know let me see how I feel," D replies.

"Ok, just shoot me a text." I say, trying so hard to play it cool but inside. (See how you feel? What does that mean? Could be an hour? Could be two days? Whatever. I just need to know.)


In the movie I see myself try to occupy myself for a few minutes. Then I become uneasy with the unknown alone. I pace around the house not able to concentrate on any task. What if I start something and then he wants to come over? Or what if someone else calls? I know I'll call Cheryl and then see what she is doing.

I call Cheryl and feel better. We are going to meet for a drink at Schucks at 9.

Okay I have time to read my book, drink a glass of wine-that will save me buying one drink at the bar. Then take a bath, listen to music, straighten my hair. Oh what am I going to wear?


See when I experienced that on Camera 1, I felt so guilty for wanting to know when I would see D. I thought I was some crazy clingy girl. But really I just wanted to know when I would see someone I care about. (not that I didn't want to see you honey. i'm making a point here)

I don't like open ended alone time. One hour-great. One week-awesome. Just give me some time frame so I can plan out my self entertainment, or the need for it.

This brings up other questions for me. Does the fact that I don't like open ended alone time make me weak? Are the people out there that love solitude stronger? Is the fact that I love to be around people more than I like to be alone sad? Was I born with this need to be around people? Or was I taught this other people dependence? Is this some passive aggressive way of loathing myself? Or is this normal?

I don't think I loathe myself. I like my alone time. I like to complete projects by myself. I talk to myself often and I think I'm pretty cool. Kind of dorky. But kind of funny too. I make myself laugh. What more can one ask for really? Maybe the fact that I know what makes me happy makes me stronger? I get joy from being around other people. Therefore I seek them out and make plans.

So at any rate, there is my revelation movie moment. I know what I like. Now I just need to ask for it.